painful or lazy

I had a great moment of clarity, a realization, that I physically push myself too much.  As I shared this realization with a few close people in my life they all looked at me as if this was glaringly evident to all but me.

I came to the realization that I wasn’t in tune to my body while in yoga.  After a surgery I had a few months ago limited my exercise greatly, I  increased the amount of yoga I am doing.
We were instructed in yoga to not push ourselves if we found the position painful—but I couldn’t determine if my discomfort was physical pain or laziness.  I found myself thinking of how I ended up here in the first place, and realized I don’t listen to my pain out of fear of laziness.

A few months ago, I was on the treadmill, my short run felt more difficult than usual, and I began to have tremendous pain in my lower abdomen. I thought to myself “you hurt because you want to quit, you want to be lazy, you need to push through”. I pushed through, grabbed my side and tried to keep running, until i felt I was going to pass out. I laid down in the women’s locker room, without the strength to stand, afraid that at any moment I’d pass out.  The pain continued throughout the night and my partner asked if we should go to the hospital. I said no, that it could wait until morning, I needed to suck it up.  I would later find out that my fallopian tube had ruptured on the treadmill and that I had stupidly “powered through”.

During a 1/2 Ironman ( 1.9km swim, 90km bike ride, 21.1km run)  I also felt abdominal pain, but I kept telling myself that I clearly hadn’t trained enough and needed to power through. I had completed the swim, and bike, and was at about mile 7 (11km) when I decided to go ahead and stop and check myself in the bathroom. I pulled down my shorts to find my shammy (the cushion part of bike shorts) was no longer able to contain all the blood I was losing and had overflowed and collected in the lining of my spandex shorts.  I had miscarried during the race, and realized it at that moment, and contemplated whether I should continue, and run the last 6 mi (10km).  I still am slightly disappointed with myself that I didn’t finish the race, and at the same time, I logically know that was best.  I went to the medical tent where a doctor scolded me that I had miscarried, had a blood disorder and was “clearly dehydrated” (his words) and needed to go to an emergency room immediately. I lied through my teeth and convinced the doctor I was fine, and just needed some aspirin and promised I would go to an emergency room closer to home (I was about an hour away) where I knew my insurance would work. I got a ride home from a friend and slept and hydrated.

I thought of these two stories during yoga, and realized I need to just accept the fact that things hurt and it isn’t out of laziness or not trying.  Does this mean I am a type A personality? That make me so sad if I am.

Disrupter not Imposter

Academics have a term “imposter syndrome”

…a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.[1}  wikipedia 

or more simply from Merriam Webster

Imposter one that assumes false identity or title for the purpose of deception

I don’t believe in imposter syndrome, for people of color.
Am I, are you, are we, imagining that we don’t fit-in and to boot overcame all the obstacles that were created to keep people like you, like me, out?  If we wonder how we despite it all, still were able to  “make it”, I am not sure this is part of an imagined idea that we weren’t made for this space—let me be clear, we were not made for this space. This space was not designed for us, much less for us to succeed.

We are in a system that was created to exclude us and yet we made it in?  Were we allowed in not necessarily via a false identity but an “acceptable identity” to academia? I play a role in academics, where I cannot be too angry, not articulate enough, not too articulate, not a lot of things. I cannot be me without consequence.  A consequence white people don’t face in the same way, and never have.

I dislike the idea of imposter syndrome because it is the idea that I’ve imagined I don’t belong, it is gas-lighting my experience.

Why would I belong to an institution that is built on both the exclusion and exploitation of my people?  Why do I belong in a place where I have to ask if we can learn any theory at all not from a white person, especially when I am in a field that studies Black and Brown bodies?

How can I acknowledge white supremacy and at the same time be told that I do belong to this institution, that any feelings I have of not belonging are fraudulent? I don’t belong in academia as it was and is. It wasn’t made for me, and it wasn’t designed for me to achieve greatness.

And yet I do succeed, we do succeed!  That is the amazing part! We exist in a space that attempts to strip us of our humanity. We aren’t suffering in delusion that maybe we don’t belong or this place isn’t’ for us.  It wasn’t made for us–we exist in the margins.  I can go weeks on my campus never seeing a Latinx man, or a Black woman, why is that? Why has it been like that?

Instead of imposters, I’d like to think of us as disrupters. We don’t suffer from imposter syndrome. We triumph while swimming in their white supremacy. We succeed and create paths via our disruption.  We didn’t come here to repeat their roles, to belong to their colonized theories, we came to agitate, and take up space; we are disruptors. I am a disruptor.

skinnier is not healthier

Today I was told “You’ve lost weight! You look good! You can see your face now.” To which I responded “I’ve always had a face, I was born with a face maybe you just didn’t observe it before.” 
 
I have lost a lot of weight. Mostly because I’ve been too ill to eat and partly because for a few days I wasn’t allowed to eat before and post-op.
 
The weight will come back.
 
I am now allowed to eat but still can’t exercise. Which means even though I’ve lost weight, I am actually much less healthy. I miss running and lifting weights. I can’t wait to get back to working out.
 
Anyway, my weight loss is not a positive. Just a heads-up.

Fear

The biggest thing that has kept me from blogging is fear.

What if I write something and later I disagree with it.  What if I write something controversial and it keeps me from getting hired, or furthering my academic career.

Then I think what are my controversial ideas? That education should be accessible, that women should control their own bodies, that Black Lives Matter, that the Ivory Tower was made to keep education in the hands of elites and to empower white supremacy.  But are those really that controversial?

If I am to go into academia, shouldn’t I be the person loudly starting those conversations?
I think about people like Jonathan Rosa and Nelson Flores both of whom have a strong online presence. They call out white supremacy ALL THE TIME. And if it weren’t for their online presence, I am not sure I would know about them, which means they wouldn’t have been as fundamental in my dissertation work as they are.
They give me hope, I can win at academia and crush white supremacy without having to water myself down.

So yeah, almost all my classes, classmates and professors have perpetuated white supremacy. My elevator introduction, is “I study the languages and cultures of mi gente, as taught by white people in the midwest”.   And that’s why I have to speak up I guess, because I am the only US Latina in my cohort. Of those with PhDs in the US less than 2% are Chicanas.  I need to be less fearful so that I can make room for voices like mine, just as Dr. Rosa and Dr. Nelson have made a path for people like me.

grad school theorizing

in grad school, in class, i’m discussing visual theory, the same as it is always discussed: what is visual, what is reality, what is memory, is photography a science or an art?  it is a circle jerk of supposed intellectual stimulation with no moment of climax.

we never discuss how is image used against people. we never discuss why is it that our language department is so large (the colonization of people by the Spanish) and yet we have so few US Latinx in our program—and me the only one from ohio — at a state school.
we never discuss how the police use photography or video, against the descendants of colonized people who are so huge in numbers that they drive a capitalist market for our academic department, while we are still able to keep said subjugated people out.
what does it mean when a white professor, doesn’t know who eric garner is, yet wouldn’t have their position if it weren’t for the subjugation of black and brown lives?
i don’t want to discuss what do Descartes and Freidburg think of optics and windows, or what do any other dead white men think. i want to hear the voices of those that don’t look like my classmates. i want us to be expected to know the politics of those that make us rich in academic capitalism but are controlled by image and excluded from our discussions.
instead, of looking at the society we live in, we continue with the banality of postulating what Walter Benjamin would think about reality versus nostalgia in images followed by patting ourselves on the back for reading and regurgitating selected chapters of books.

Coates

None of us are perfect, and those in public, those we have made leaders, deserve constructive, truthful criticisms. Truth is Ta-Nehisi Coates, is a leader (whether he wants to be or not) and he is being admonished for not being critical of Obama.  This is just untrue—and we need to be truthful and constructive of our criticisms of our brothers and our sisters, who have a platform. I have made a short list of articles in which Coates was critical of Obama.

(I was able to compile this list while, chatting with a friend online, playing with a 12 year-old-birthday girl, and drinking my coffee, so I hope the rest of you will add to the list.)

The Enduring Solidarity of Whiteness

Black poverty is fundamentally distinct from white poverty—and so cannot be addressed without grappling with racism.

At every step, “universalist” social programs have been hampered by the idea of becoming, and remaining, forever white. So it was with the New DealSo it is with Obamacare.

The Black Family in the Age of Mass Incarceration

American politicians are now eager to disown a failed criminal-justice system that’s left the U.S. with the largest incarcerated population in the world. But they’ve failed to reckon with history. Fifty years after Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s report “The Negro Family” tragically helped create this system, it’s time to reclaim his original intent.

 In their efforts to strengthen the black family, Clinton and Moynihan—and Obama, too—aspired to combine government social programs with cultural critiques of ghetto pathology (the “both/and” notion, as Obama has termed it), and they believed that Americans were capable of taking in critiques of black culture and white racism at once. But this underestimated the weight of the country’s history.

 

Color-Blind Policy, Color-Conscious Morality

Addressing the moral failings of black people while ignoring the centuries-old failings of their governments amounts to a bait and switch.

I have never been among those who thought President Obama should “say more” about Ferguson, because I don’t believe most of the people who elected him actually want to “hear more.” What these people have never tired of hearing is another discourse on the lack of black morality or on the failings of black culture. It saddens me to see the president so sincerely oblige.

 

Barack Obama, Ferguson, and the Evidence of Things Unsaid

Violence works. Nonviolence does too.

On Monday night, watching Obama both be black and speak for the state was torturous. One got the sense of a man fatigued by people demanding he say something both eminently profound and only partially true. This must be tiring.

 

Black Pathology and the Closing of the Progressive Mind

How Jonathan Chait and other Obama-era liberals misunderstand the role of white supremacy in America’s history and present

Obama-era progressives view white supremacy as something awful that happened in the past and the historical vestiges of which still afflict black people today. They believe we need policies—though not race-specific policies—that address the affliction. I view white supremacy as one of the central organizing forces in American life, whose vestiges and practices afflicted black people in the past, continue to afflict black people today, and will likely afflict black people until this country passes into the dust.

The Secret Lives of Inner-City Black Males

Paul Ryan’s explanation for urban poverty isn’t much different from Barack Obama’s. Why did it make liberals so angry?

Cousin Pookie and Uncle Jethro voted at higher rates than any other ethnic group in the country. They voted for Barack Obama. Our politics have not changed. Neither has Barack Obama’s rhetoric. Facts can only get in the way of a good story. It was sort of stunning to see the president give a speech on the fate of young black boys and not mention the word racism once. It was sort of stunning to see the president salute the father of Trayvon Martin and the father of Jordan Davis and then claim, “Nothing keeps a young man out of trouble like a father who takes an active role in his son’s life.”

 

The Champion Barack Obama

How Black America talks to the White House

An appeal to authority—even the authority of our dead—doesn’t make Barack Obama any more right. On the contrary, it shows how wrong he is. I can’t think of a single credible historian of our 500-year tenure here who has concluded that our problem was a lack of “personal responsibility.” The analysis is as old as it is flawed, and that is because it isn’t analysis at all but something altogether different.

 

‘Immorality’ and Obamacare, Cont.

Why arguing that we should have a health-care expansion for the most vulnerable or no health-care expansion at all is ultimately wrong

There are many good critiques of myowncritiques of Obamacare.

 

Osama Bin Laden Is Dead; Long Live Osama

We are six years into the Obama administration and with each report of profiling, with each report of unaccountability, with the scuttling of the Democrats 2008 national security platform, the horrific success and mad genius of 9/11 becomes clearer.

 

Dumb Into Damascus

Is this any way to go to war?

But when you have majorities in your own country opposing a war, when the president can’t convince his own party, when alleged allies in the region and your strongest ally in the world oppose war, then it’s time to rethink.

 

On the Death of Dreams

If we are honest with ourselves we will see a president who believes in particular black morality, but eschews particular black policy.

Indeed, if we are—as the president asks us to be—honest with ourselves, we will see that we have elected a president who claims to oppose racial profiling one minute, and then flirts with inaugurating the country’s greatest racial profiler the next. If we are honest with ourselves we will see that we have a president who can condemn the riots as “self-defeating,” but can’t see his way clear to enforce the fair housing law that came out of them.