Elenamary

I have a big secret right now. I haven’t told anyone, not a soul. I have been busy this month. Some people know bits about why I have been busy but no one knows all of it. No one knows what I have done, what I am doing, and what I have planned.

Tomorrow I will see my friend Thomas Shuster for the first time in about 4 years, and maybe minutes after we have embraced I will tell him all of it. It will feel good to let it out. Holding it in right now is kind-of making me crazy. Part of me wants to share it on this blog. But I won´t yet. I will soon just not yet. This makes me question why I have this blog.

This blog was to be where I shared my thoughts on identity and xicana feminism and the such. And trust me I have dealt with my identity and xicanaism and feminsim more this month then I may have ever. I realized all alone I am going be financially okay, I really truly realized it, not just said it. Prehaps I need some distance in terms of time before I can share it. However, I will give you this bit of Xicana identity issue:

I was talking to a tía of mine and she was going on about some friend of hers that says she never wants to marry and my tía didn´t understand it. “Ella es femenina no se porque no se quiere casar. ¿crees que es…?” She asked me “Do you think she is…?” Insinuating and asking me if her friend was gay. And here I am happy with my life not really sure about marrying anymore and knowing that I will be able to take care of myself and my family. Will they call me a lesbiana? Why is that the assumption that is made? Being called a lesbian isn’t what I am disturbed by but rather why is it assumed that a single women, who doesn’t want to marry is a lesbian? This month’s Atlantic monthly had a short article about studies that show that women who never marry tend to be “happier” more “financially successful” and “live longer” if that is the case why the fuck would I want to marry? Man I might as well take up smoking, drinking and fucking like a rabbit (with condoms and artificial contraceptives).