I have been stressing…as noted in my last post. Having terrible nights, unable to sleep worrying about school and work and keeping up with both. But something happened yesterday that made it all much better.
Some old coworkers called me and asked me to come meet them at a local bar and oddly I was only a block away at a local record store with Charles. A few drinks into our time at the bar, one of my coworkers starts to confide in Charles about his girlfriend and their relationship. It was wonderful to hear Charles talk about our relationship, and offering examples of compromise and moments were he realized how much he appreciated our relationship. It is like hearing someone you really admire saying that they admire you. It was sweeeeeeeeet.
After drinks Charles and I went out for some snacks on our own and I confided that I hadn’t been sleeping well and was stressed at school He gave me some good basic advice, that honestly I would have given to anyone else, but hadn’t realized for myself. The advice was, why not just let my prof know I was falling a bit behind and what could I do?
I slept so much better last night realizing that I could have a little more control of my sitiuation. Luckily bright and early at 7 am this morning I meet with my prof (class starts at 730am) and he told me not to worry about our timelines. Things are looking a lot brighter.
Next entry will be less, whine whine, and more gossip about moving in with my man! Agghhh, yeah, we are going to be living in sin. I’ll send you invites.
July, 2006
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stressing
July 27, 2006 by elenamary
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Oh where have I been?
July 22, 2006 by elenamary
El Oso complained that the blogs have been quiting down. At least our little clique of blogs. I wouldn’t know. For the most part I haven’t been reading blogs, I subscribe to about 167 rss feeds and am about ten thousand entries behind (give or take a few hundred) in my reading. I used to keep up daily with multiple newspapers, multiple blogs and multiple people in the real world. I am not keeping up with my real life friends, or even virtually by emailing them. I get emails with subject lines “please let me know you are alive” “please let me know you got this” and I almost never write back. These people are good to me, they deserve long emails, they deserve phone calls, they deserve visits. And so, I put off writing back until I can write them something long and good, which turns into me never emailing back. Charles will tell me when I am lying around feeling miserable for myself, why don’t you call so-so or go email fulana, or go hang out with fulanos. But I can’t because I am feeling sin ganas.
What is it I am doing? I’m not sure. I talked with el Oso on the phone the other day and he said to me “I am surprised you are still in Ohio.” My thought was “I am disappointed in myself for still being in Ohio”, I feel like a failure. I am close to being done with these pre med sciences, less than a year to go. But what do I have to show for my life? I haven’t traveled recently and haven’t had the money too. I work a job that is a “just for now job”. You know the job you do until you reach your goal. I have to work while I am taking classes, and the state and federal government have cut off my financial aid because I have completed and petitioned all the credit hours needed for 150% of my degree. I work to pay for school and to live. Not anything left for fun or even basic things like a car. It sucks. I feel like a failure. At this point in my life I am just going, not going well, just going. And yet I still want so much. I want to go to med school. I want to have a car that doesn’t need repairs and whose insurance I can afford. I want to afford to pay rent on my own place—really I would like to buy my own place but that is SOOOOO not going to happen anytime soon. I want to start a family. I really want to start a family. I want to be a mother.
What am I still doing in Ohio? Finishing these damn sciences. Almost finished. So close. Then what? I don’t know. Right now though I need to find an apartment and get paid more so I can afford it and buy a car.Category personal | Tags: | No Comments
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where are the men
July 5, 2006 by elenamary
I am ignorant and really should keep my mouth shut more than I do.
When visiting my mom’s hometown (almost 10 years ago! wow!) I only saw one man (he is my cousin) between the age of 14-50 and he had just come back from the US only weeks before to see his sick mother. All the rest of the men were here in the United States, and many of the women were about 5-6 months pregnant as it was June and the men had come home for Christmas.
I was hanging out with some Dominican friends of mine. They all were male, all Dominican and all played pro baseball. In fact the only Dominican men I know are male baseball players. So, I asked them, “Are there any men in the Dominican Republic during baseball season?” They laughed at me. I guess I would’ve too.
Category Latinos, Ohio | Tags: Latinos in Ohio,Latinos in the Midwest | No Comments
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Oh Say Can You See?
July 4, 2006 by elenamary
Last night I took Olga to a Clippers Game. Caonabo got us tickets and it was an exciting night. Olga had cotton candy and ice cream and there were fireworks. It being the fourth of July everyone was in a patriotic mood. We arrived late to the game which always opens with the singing of the national anthem and pledge to the flag.
I don’t stand for the pledge of allegiance or the anthem and sure as hell not for God Bless America. I stay silent and seated. It is my form of protest. I do not pledge allegiance to a flag, I do not pledge allegiance to a symbol that represents a government I do not support. I’ve had people be rude and nasty to me. Someone has shoved me another tried to hit me. I also had someone ask me why I choose not to stand and was polite in their response. I appreciated it greatly and thanked them for the conversation.
Here I was at the baseball game between the 7th and 8th inning with Olga and her sticky little fingers dripping ice cream on both of us when the announcer asked everyone to stand as a quartet sung “God Bless America”. I looked around me everyone in their Red, White and Blue clothing standing up and I got scared. It is one thing for me to protest but to do it with Olga was another. I started to run the scenario in my head of someone saying to her “If you don’t like it go back to where you came from”. I decided to stand up. I grabbed Olga’s ice cream cone, told her to stand, took off her baseball cap and we stood as the quartet sang “God Bless America”.
BTW Olga has an awesome punk rock hair cut (a mullet) thanks to the accident. The doctors shaved off all the hair on the top of her head but left her ponytail. She is my little punk rocker.
Category Latinos, Ohio | Tags: Latinos in Ohio,Latinos in the Midwest | No Comments
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a little too much sex in the city
July 2, 2006 by elenamary
This isn’t a political, or personal, really it is nothing more than finding humor in others pain. Though I have to say that the response letter reads somewhat David Seaderis-ish. I got this from my friend Kevin.
The first message is from Elizabeth and an apparent apology to Brad over something that transpired which will be explained in Brads response below
—–Original Message—–
From: [mailto:********]
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 9:50 AM
To: ******
Subject: ughBrad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that
I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the
people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person
that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all
for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say
all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even
handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t
handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or
something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a
smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I
just ! feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you
said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong
on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we
can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you
have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can’t
imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say
that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t reflect that,and you
would be correct.I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your
friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there
is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just
want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst
thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of
the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in
the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to
this, part of me thinks that you won’t. If not today, then maybe
some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together,
although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you
could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can’t
even focus or work today, I can’t eat, I seriously feel like it was
an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that
and you are not done with me. Please don’t cut me off, I
really don’t think I can handle that.I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
—–Original Message—–
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 12:02 PM
Subject: Re: Ugh….enjoy.Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L”
for “Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less
about”.You did a stupid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is “a stupid thing”; Mixing in a red sock with a
load of whites is “a stupid thing”; Blowing some guy in a bathroom
for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so
long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much
a “Stupid thing” as it is grounds for permanent removal from my
social calendar.To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying “Well, I didn’t
Fuck him” somehow gave you a clean slate.So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to
you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone
else’s feelings for 24hours straight.The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a
terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill
cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average
child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it’s pretty hard to
respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place
even though she’s seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up
tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning
commentary on Colin Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with
for a hand job in the men’s room.The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into
the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser
last saturday, we’ll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the
time it happened.By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little
like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.PS. I BCC’d about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
BradCategory personal | Tags: | 1 Comment