Oh where have I been?
El Oso complained that the blogs have been quiting down. At least our little clique of blogs. I wouldn’t know. For the most part I haven’t been reading blogs, I subscribe to about 167 rss feeds and am about ten thousand entries behind (give or take a few hundred) in my reading. I used to keep up daily with multiple newspapers, multiple blogs and multiple people in the real world. I am not keeping up with my real life friends, or even virtually by emailing them. I get emails with subject lines “please let me know you are alive” “please let me know you got this” and I almost never write back. These people are good to me, they deserve long emails, they deserve phone calls, they deserve visits. And so, I put off writing back until I can write them something long and good, which turns into me never emailing back. Charles will tell me when I am lying around feeling miserable for myself, why don’t you call so-so or go email fulana, or go hang out with fulanos. But I can’t because I am feeling sin ganas.
What is it I am doing? I’m not sure. I talked with el Oso on the phone the other day and he said to me “I am surprised you are still in Ohio.” My thought was “I am disappointed in myself for still being in Ohio”, I feel like a failure. I am close to being done with these pre med sciences, less than a year to go. But what do I have to show for my life? I haven’t traveled recently and haven’t had the money too. I work a job that is a “just for now job”. You know the job you do until you reach your goal. I have to work while I am taking classes, and the state and federal government have cut off my financial aid because I have completed and petitioned all the credit hours needed for 150% of my degree. I work to pay for school and to live. Not anything left for fun or even basic things like a car. It sucks. I feel like a failure. At this point in my life I am just going, not going well, just going. And yet I still want so much. I want to go to med school. I want to have a car that doesn’t need repairs and whose insurance I can afford. I want to afford to pay rent on my own place—really I would like to buy my own place but that is SOOOOO not going to happen anytime soon. I want to start a family. I really want to start a family. I want to be a mother.
What am I still doing in Ohio? Finishing these damn sciences. Almost finished. So close. Then what? I don’t know. Right now though I need to find an apartment and get paid more so I can afford it and buy a car.
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Animo!
You do so much for so many, it is sometimes hard to recognize the achievements. We do get bogged down in the mundane and it feels like we aren’t getting anywhere. But you are … paso a paso se llega a la meta.
You are going to be a fantastic doctor. You just wait and see…
Comment on July 23, 2006 12:57 pmI agree with xolo. If I were dying, I’d totally let you take care of me.
Comment on July 24, 2006 01:26 amhay elenita, i totally feel you. i have no job right now. i guess you have to believe in what you do (sometimes is hard to believe in oneself, and our selfesteem esta por los suelos) but we have to believe that what we do (or want to eventually by able to do) is worth doing, because lets face it, we are not capitalists trying to rip people off, we have a desire to serve. echale ganas, it might take you a while, but you will get there.
on the financial/material note, i know its hard not to have things when everyone around you has them, and expect you to have them. there are some things we have to give up for now.
family. i’m sure that when it is that you become a mommy, your chidren will be so proud of you, especially if you followed your dreams and didn’t give up.
peace.
Comment on July 27, 2006 12:58 pmgirl I FEEL you! I just found out my financial aid got slashed in half for the upcoming school year too and I started crying on the phone with the f.a. counselor when it looked like I had no other options left (talk about humiliating!).
Take hope in knowing you’re going to be a kick-ass doctor someday, and that your current lifestyle is building character
Comment on July 29, 2006 09:20 pm“And yet I still want so much.” That is the key e, without that you are really lost, but if you still have it, then you are golden, just going through the rapids of life, but not drowning, though it may feel like it sometimes.
Comment on August 6, 2006 05:44 pmyou are well loved, and don’t worry about pleasing too many people, you just do what you need to do to make it day by day.