(The title of this post is inspired by the song ‘Stay Gold‘ by Envelope)
There are two days I tend to dread, I get depressed, and reflect on mostly negative aspects of my life that I need to change. The two days are my birthday and new years eve. Those two days force me to ask myself what I have accomplished with my life and if I am on the right path and of course in the depression of it all the answer is always “no”. Since 2000 every news years I’ve gotten in argument with the person I am dating, usually during the day. Every new years evening I avoid going out as friends harass me to go while I just want to lay in my bed and wait for the first of the year to arrive.
This past new year was no exception. I fought with El-Amin during the day, friends called me to go out and celebrate, I spent the evening in mental anguish and analysis and wiping the tears away. About two hours after midnight I felt fine and went over to El-Amin’s to spend the night and the world was well again. A bit of a drama queen, I may be.
My birthdays tend to follow a similar pattern as new years, except there is usually a party, where I force myself to play the part of the happy birthday girl all the whilst I am thinking “Gawd I am old still unmarried, still not in med school, and still living in Ohio”. Truth is and I hate admitting this, I’ve kind of grown to like Ohio. I have a good support system here. My life isn’t bad, I’ve got a decent job, great friends, am still in school and can almost see the end of the tunnel or in someways the beggining of the tunnel.
I tried talking to El-Amin about my goals for the future, about medical school, and work. About trying to find my place, my best fit. And he told me he couldn’t relate to me, that he was already living his life, that this was it, that he didn’t see his job as a transition job, an “in-the-mean-time” or a job until he achieved a new career objective. Part of me felt sad for him, that he had no career aspirations, no feelings of “One day I would like to work in place where I ‘X’…”, his work, to me didn’t seem very fulfilling, or necessarily his best fit either. I do see my job as an “in-the-mean-time”. Which isn’t to say I don’t like what I do, it’s just not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Part of me also felt envy in that he was satisfied with his situation as it was. He wasn’t happy but he was satisfied and things were okay with him. I wonder what it would be like to feel a feeling of satisfaction? I’ve never felt plain old satisfaction, there is always more left to be accomplished. Once a goal is obtained it never feels like a goal is obtained but rather now I am one step closer to the next obstacle and there is always another obstacle.
I have goals, and I am working towards them, albeit amazingly slowly, but still working towards them. My frustration is at my speed of obtaining my goals and my allowing myself to sometimes get derailed. These are things I reflect on during my birthday and new years eve.
Aside: This birthday, I did some REALLY stupid and immature things, worse than any other birthday and to those I hurt, or even annoyed, I am sorry. — awwww my friends are the best…Zak says I was fine ;-)
I have thought about the “I’m still stuck in Kansas”, “I’m still stuck in Ohio”, “I’m still stuck in Queretaro….etc.” thing recently. It’s all about perspective. You might say “I am still in Ohio” because you went to high school there and feel like it is ordinary or average, but when I came from Kansas to Ohio it was new and interesting and felt like a big accomplishment. I am now in Queretaro. Many of my students say they want to get out, go somewhere else, but for me it’s different, new, and I absolutely love the city. I don’t think it’s the place so much, but your perspective and relation to the place. Do you think of it as settling for something less than you deserve? Or do you think of it as a nice place to live with nice people, good friends, good pizza (oh, how I miss Adriatico’s), etc?
On another note, I think that Americans sometimes more than other cultures have the tendency to define ourselves by our jobs. It’s hard not to, especially since we spend so much of our time there and our culture is so focussed on it. The first question we always ask when we meet someone is “What do you do?”. I am not saying that we shouldn’t strive for more academically or in our line of work, but just that we not let it define ourselves or affect our self-concept or self-worth.
Laura, aye mujer you’ve always got the wisdom. I know I don’t want to live here forever, but I also know that this place has more to offer me right now then anywhere else…including pizza.