First I blogged all things on www.elenamary.com and then as I noticed I had readers I stopped blogging the personal (for the most part) and only blogged the political. I began blogging personal stuff on my myspace, where I was harder to find. I’ve deleted and recreated my myspace account about five times now, and each time I delete my myspace account, I delete with it my blog entries. It is gone. And the more I blog the less I write by hand in my hardcover journal.
Recently, I’ve been doing the things I used to love doing, before I let men distract me from who I am. One of those things is blogging. Blogging allows me to let out everything I feel, everything I am holding in, and then once that emotion is out there it feels like a great weight has been lifted, and almost always once I’ve blogged it I no longer have the same intense emotions to the topic as I did when I wrote them.
While I have been personally blogging more, I’ve also been catching up on old blogs and friends blogs that I used to read on a daily basis. Today I read an old blog entry by El Oso. His entry, titled Forgetting, left me in a pensive and reflective state;
“…Of course they were only good memories. They always are. Nostalgia is not an act of remembering; it’s a process of forgetting, of filtering, or reconstructing your past as you wish it had occurred. Or, as it most conveniently fits into your present reality.
…Personal history in public space can indeed be awkward. Mari and I had to reconcile our hypertextual pasts. And at times that means editing and deleting. Our online memory, it turns out, is not so distinct from our mental one. Except that we’re not always in control of what we remember.
I recently discovered the Flickr account of an ex-girlfriend of mine. My past was there for all to see and comment on – and I had no control of it. Nostalgia – or the art of convenient amnesia – isn’t possible when we’re inconvenienced by what we wish to forget.”
“Aldous Huxley wrote that “Every man’s memory is his private literature” ~ the internet has changed that so that now your personal narrative sits naked on the screen, inviting public discourse, comment, and even corrections. The internet lets us personally re-visit our past, too ~ sifting through those memories, even the ones “hidden” from public view. That’s why Archives are so important ~ because, when you think it’s “just nostalgia,” when you think it’s only the way you think you remember it, you can go back through your archives and confirm that perhaps the good memory hasn’t been reconstructed or filtered, but in fact is the version of the way it really happened ~ then, it’s better than nostalgia, more than Memory ~ it’s Truth.”
I guess I’ve always known the truth about what I write. It was the truth when I wrote it, because I said what I felt, and what I feel is real. To edit, or delete later does not change history, it only makes it difficult to recall the truth. Recalling the truth allows me to see the growth, or reflect on why there isn’t growth. Yes, blogging is very self-centered but thats part of the point, we can’t grow unless we reflect.
Taking myself a whole lot less seriously, an exboyfriend of mine recently told me that his mom, years ago, had come across my blog by doing a google search on him. She asked him who I was and when he explained she told him to “Stop messing with crazy girls”. Oddly enough I cannot find a single blog entry about him. I am sure there were entries but I cannot for the life of me recall when I wrote them or what they were about. I did however, recently find in my hardcover journal an entry about him, and about how I had hoped we could one day have a friendship…five years later we are working on it.